Crying in the dark. Screaming at the top of my lungs. Breaking things. This sounds a lot like the description of a two year old’s temper tantrum. I wish. In any other circumstance, that would be the case, but in my universe it descries one of my severe depression episodes. I finally came to terms with the fact that I am depressed, Thanks a lot Wikipedia.
I consider myself, my self of self as I call it, to me a very happy, outgoing, social, and energetic person. I love meeting new people and going new places, which gives me the opportunity to have vast and sometimes unnerving experiences.
On a good day, I pop out of bed, head to work at the preschool around the corner from my house, and work with just as much energy that my students seem to possess so naturally. Singing songs through diaper changing and potty training, I can handle a two year old’s temper tantrum with ease. On a bad day, navigating my way through my own foul mood and stank attitudes can be a daunting task. That’s if I’m even if I am up for it at all. When I get deep into a funk I have no urge stronger than to lay in my bed, un-showered, with the shades down. My activities in this state include absentmindedly watching B movies and binge sleeping: how I escape my reality. The actuality of my depressive state depresses me even further to the point where my mood becomes a perpetual grave digger in a never ending cycle.
My depression is not confined to the realms of Lissa. At my worse, I am known to be verbally and emotionally abusive to the people around me. Some level of my consciousness knows that my insults and manipulations are quite low, and also, that I am debasing myself far more than I could to the person that I am directing my angst towards. Yet for some odd reason I feel as if I am incapable of not being a bitch
I would imagine, that escaping from Alcatraz would be much easier then pulling myself out of a slump. A girl can find infinite amounts of pseudo-comfort drowning in a sea of blankets and a Skins UK marathon.
What are the next steps now that I am no longer in denial? I need to figure out how to fix it and not pacify my emotional wounds with a cheap band-aid. Or at the least, fin a healthy way to cope with my condition. I have never been the type to run to the medicine cabinet or emergency room. My lack of health insurance for over a decade has conditioned me to find alternatives to over the counter remedies. Dealing with my depression would be no different. I believe I am the master of my entire being; physical, emotional, spirituality, or otherwise. Having the ability to be ale to master myself is a whole other story. Yet, I still try.
When depression strikes, and my mood is low, I think about all the positive in my life. A loving family. Hilariously fun and amazing friends and associates. An extremely supportive partner. Good Health (for the most part). Fun and un-stagnant careers. With depression comes self loathing. When I think about the beauty and fortune in my life it makes a difference for the better.
As mentioned, it can be very hard to pull myself out of a slump. Taking the action to get out of bed and clean myself and my environment up can do wonders for my depression. If it so happens that I am feeling myself a little it and I have the drive to push myself a step further I go outside and get some fresh air. One of my favorite things in the universe is the sun. The sun has been worshiped throughout history by many great civilizations. It brings life and light and without the sun, who we are as a human race would not be as we are today. Taking a walk through Clark Park on a sunny day does wonders for me. The sound of kids laughing, dogs, barking, birds chirping, and a flute player getting his jam on is my piece little piece of heaven.
Laughter always works pretty well for me. When I feel like I can’t or don’t want to talk about my problems, I find people who can make me smile and find something fun to do with them. Kicking back and geekin with my homies does wonders for my emotional well being.
As I type this, I am in a relatively good mood. I am still learning how to deal with my depression. I do stand firmly in my belief that I control all aspects of my life and how I feel. I will learn new, natural ways to deal with my low points and continue to use and adapt my current methods of feeling good. The simplest thing for me, as a severe depressant, to do it just try. Try for a new disposition, and not stop until it is acquired. It is good to reflect and meditate on my mood and why and how I got there. It is important for me to think about what i do or say prior to when i do or say anything. I must be aware of when I am digging my own grave. Instead I build the never ending steps to a higher feel good.